


Syntropy

by EloquentDossier



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Aftermath, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Referenced Past Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:12:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EloquentDossier/pseuds/EloquentDossier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hotch goes to find Reid at the end of the episode "Entropy."  This contains spoilers for season 11, episode 11.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Syntropy

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoilers ahead! If you have not seen season 11, episode 11 "Entropy," then I would advise waiting to read this until after.** I managed to keep from bringing up what exactly Reid kept from the team, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
> 
> I wanted to write this already, but then someone actually posted [a prompt](http://hxr-prompt-meme.livejournal.com/489.html?thread=31209#t31209) on the [HxR prompt meme](http://hxr-prompt-meme.livejournal.com/489.html), and that sort of cemented the idea of doing it.

Reid didn't look up when the swing beside his was occupied.  He kept his gaze on his feet, watching the crease form and fade in the black dress shoes he'd chosen to wear to play his role for that evening.  The man beside him was silent, waiting patiently, but he couldn't quite bring himself to look at him.  He was afraid of what he'd find there.  He'd heard the question Garcia had asked, had been listening for the reaction, even, wanting -- no, _needing_ to gauge the response from the other man.

_"Did you know?"_

He could hear it vividly, as if the words were being spoken into his ear again.  Then there was the brief pause he knew had only been a second long, but it had felt prolonged.  Too many beats of his racing heart had occurred in that one second.

His eyes shut of their own accord as the barely audible, _"No,"_ repeated itself.  He hadn't allowed the guilt to swamp him earlier, but his stomach now twisted itself into knots.  He'd been home for three days and hadn't said a word.

A hand settled over his, almost too warm against his wind-chilled skin.  He finally opened his eyes and dared to look at the dark-haired man beside him, heart clenching painfully at the expression he'd been expecting to see.

There was no hurt, no condemnation.  He would have preferred that; those were emotions he was used to dealing with throughout his life.  He was comfortable with them.  But no matter how badly he screwed up, Aaron Hotchner never once looked at him with any intent to pick a fight or to lay more blame at his feet. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd made Hotch truly angry with him, and each time the man had been far more gentle with him than he deserved.

No; instead, Hotch looked at him with compassion and understanding.  Worst of all, he looked at him with love.

And _oh_ , how Reid hated it.  His throat started to close, and he ripped his gaze from the older man, refocusing on his shoes as he fought the tears threatening to pool in his eyes.  "Morgan called you," he accused, his voice hoarse and thick.

Hotch's hand squeezed his once.   _Yes_.  The warm, solid weight was anchoring him, and he didn't want it. He jerked his hand away, barely feeling the pain of the chain against his palm, and he quickly got to his feet.

"He had no right to do that.  I would have come home when I was ready.  I wasn't in any danger.  I was on a _swing_ near his house!"  He could hear the note of hysteria, and he swallowed down the sob threatening to spill from his throat.  Hotch was silent behind him, and words started tumbling past his lips.  "I know after every remotely traumatic event, all eyes turn to me. You all worry that maybe it'll trigger that desire to use again.  And don't try to deny it because every single one of you acts differently."

Reid cut himself off once more, finally turning to face Hotch again.  A short, bitter and slightly hysterical laugh escaped his throat.  "I'm not even mad about that.  Not really.  My real issue is this."  He gestured to the air between them.  "More specifically, the way you react to situations like this.  For three days I acted like everything was fine, and I kept a secret from you that most people would tell their significant other right away.  You should be asking why I didn't say anything or asking if I even planned on saying something.  I wasn't going to, by the way; not until you absolutely needed to know."  Hotch's expression didn't change except for a slight glimmer of concern, and Reid wanted to shake him for it.

"What do you want from me, Spencer?" the older man asked softly, his voice soothing Reid's frayed nerves only momentarily.  The fact that Hotch's tone could help only made his anger spike again afterwards.

"I want you to react like everyone else would for once! Raise your voice, get upset with me!  Tell me that you can't believe I would keep this from you, that I've hurt you by doing it.  Lecture me about how I shouldn't have kept it from everyone; if I didn't tell you, I should have told JJ or Morgan.  Say I need to make it up to you.  Anything is better than the simple acceptance!" Reid exclaimed, his breathing ragged.

He took a wary step backward when Hotch suddenly stood and reached out toward him.  He felt Hotch's thumb brush against his cheek, just under his left eye, and that was when he was aware of the wetness on his face.  "If that's what you want, then you're with the wrong person.  I can't blame you for what you did, Spencer.  Do I wish you would have told me?  Of course.  I worry about her, too.  So do Jack and Jessica.  But we're recent additions to both of your lives, and it would be unfair to you if we expected to be informed right away.  And you act as though you didn't tell anyone, but it's clear to me that you spoke with Savannah.  I don't know how much you told her, but it doesn't matter.  What does matter is that you're still hurting, and you're projecting that onto me because you don't want to face what's truly upsetting you."

Reid shook his head slowly, taking a deep, shuddering breath.  "Don't."

"You're already grieving over your mother, and she's not even gone," Hotch murmured, and Reid closed his eyes, shaking his head more vigorously as more tears welled in his eyes.  "You haven't lost her, Spencer."

"But I will," he whispered harshly, his voice breaking. "I can't imagine my life without her, Aaron."  He opened his eyes to look at the older man imploringly. "What am I supposed to do?"

Hotch's hand tugged gently on his arm, an invitation, and he willingly fell into the other man's embrace, burying his face against a clothed shoulder before turning into cold skin, breathing in the warm, almost spicy scent he had begun to associate with comfort and home.  His arms wrapped tightly around Hotch, his mind focusing on the circles being rubbed into his back; it was both distracting and soothing.  "You make the most of what time you have, and you face the rest one step at a time.  You're not alone, Spencer.  You're surrounded by people who love you and want to help and support you in any way they can.  All you have to do is ask."

Reid didn't respond, and they both stood there in silence for several minutes.  "We should probably pick up Jack," he finally murmured.  "You think he would be up for making a pallet in the living room and watching movies?"

A kiss was pressed against the top of his head, but otherwise Hotch didn't budge, and Reid found himself smiling at the older man's reluctance to move.  "I doubt he would object, but don't be surprised if he realizes something is wrong."  Hotch slowly released him, and a moment later his hand was caught and held as they started walking away from the playground.

Reid linked their fingers together, squeezing gently as he looked up and caught Hotch's dark brown eyes.   _I love you._

The barest hint of a smile touched Hotch's lips, and his hand received a squeeze in return.   _I love you, too._


End file.
